The continuing story of an over-educated, overweight black guy, his friends, his adventures, and his musings on a world he sees going slowly down the toilet.
I love those damn POLICE ACADEMY movies. Its not that I think police are that funny, but there is something about those ridiculous movies that you can't hate.
When I speak of Police Academy, I am only speaking of the first four of them. Police Academy 5 through 8 were stupid like Paris Hilton stupid. Stupid like Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton having a kid together stupid.
I swear to god, one of those movies had them fighting with the Russian army.
Anyways, on to the list:
10) The big, fat Black guy they called "House."
9) Skateboarding legend and video game license whore Tony Hawk being one of the guys in the skateboarding sequence.
8) That cool ass skateboarding sequence.
7) David Spade's earliest film role. (F%$ck that guy, but I know some people like him.)
6) "Mama's little baby likes shortening bread... hah" If you saw the movie, you know what I am talking about.
5) Yet another awesome appearance of the Blue Oyster bar.
4) Proctor being placed in the middle of a football field while inside of a Port-a-potty.
3) Bobcat Goldwaithe and that wierd blonde chick running towards each other while the song "It doesn't have to be that way" by the Blow Monkeys is playing. Again, those who have seen it, know what I talking about.
2) The Leslie Easterbrook pool scene - Proof that there is a sweet man in Heaven named the Lord Jesus Christ. That woman is an act of God.
And the #1 reason Police Academy 4 is one of the greatest movies of all time:
I really did move from NYC to Los Angeles. I never thought I would, but by God I got out of a very comfortable existence on the East coast to come back to California to give my dreams a solid shot.
A dream of becoming a working Hollywood screenwriter. To those who don't understand why someone would want to do that, consider this: people don't read books, analyze scientific data for fun, or write extensive memoirs contemplating the nature of humanity in the universe.
No, they watch TV and movies. A lot of television and a whole lot of movies. If you want to control Americans, you control and create what they watch. By nature, humans are visually-oriented and often have trouble trying to connect invisible abstract terms and ideas. Therefore, you can get a person to believe ANYTHING they see if you show it to them enough times.
Regardless of what people might tell you, writers are the creative backbone of most popular entertainment. Without writers there would be no movies, TV, radio, music, video games, newspapers, or magazines. Not to mention how this would directly affect the worlds of business and law.
The beauty of being a writer is that you can transmit your own personal views on the world to the masses and hide it within an entertaining story. People are most susceptible to suggestion whenever they feel like being entertained. Trust me.
This is an incredible form of power. And to top it all off with a big, fat, sweet, juicy cherry, you get paid obscene amounts of money to do it.
And they claim that there is no justice in the world. heheheheheh
I never claimed to be the noblest guy on Earth.
There are major differences between Los Angeles and NYC. Of course that goes without saying, but it often feels like being on an entirely other planet. Or realistically, a whole other country. It is in times like these that you notice how big this country really is.
However, there are some striking differences that are worthy of noting:
a) Cynics: Everybody here in Los Angeles seems to think you're the biggest liar they ever met. It seems like there is very little faith or trust amongst people here. Perhaps the pursuit of money and power pervents the human soul to such a point where they lose a sense of what it feels like to be stepped on or oppressed?
Being a former history teacher means that you have to always be ready to back up your claims with direct historical evidence so that you appear to be an expert. I usually have my facts and back up ready whenever someone wishes to challenge my words as being contrived. Those who walk around assuming everyone else is a liar usually have little to share with the world anyway.
b) Tribalism: For a place that prides itself on its open-minded, laid back, non-conformist liberal attitudes, Los Angeles is one of the most racially segregated places I have seen outside of Boston, Massachusetts (and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about the people of Massachusetts).
In NYC, they have a Chinatown that surrounds Little Italy, and is bordered by the federal governmental buildings in lower Manhattan. In Los Angeles they have: Koreatown, Little Tokyo, Chinatown, Little Armenia (like, where the f@#k did all these Armenians come from? Is that country the size of India or something?), and Filipinotown.
The neighborhoods of Watts, Compton, Inglewood, and Long Beach should be called Africatown, and East LA should really be called Big Mexico.
Its understandable that people would want to live with their own kind, its been happening since the beginning of time. I just believe that its not a bad thing to learn about other cultures because you can learn more about yourself in the process. I know that sounds like a greeting card, but it also happens to be the truth.
c) Beautiful, but bizarre women: LA has some of the most beautiful women you will ever see in your lifetime. Some of them are as wacky as they are gorgeous though, and that makes it a lot less fun.
From observation, the women here are very distant and manipulative. They don't want you to get close to them, but they crave the attention anyway. Thats like some deep weirdo psychological vampirism that I couldn't even begin to analyze.
I listen to their conversations and they remind me of people who don't get out of the house much, they don't seem to KNOW anything. They have no spiritual depth nor sense of adventure or curiousity. To them, the United States of America is the drive from their apartment to the freeways, to work, and back home. And I guess you could throw in whatever lousy, sparkly dive they call a nightclub in there for good measure.
I am not talking about ALL the women of Los Angeles, just the ones who seem to stumble into your way because they are wearing high heels they saw on Sex and the City.
I am tired... I am going to do a part two to this real soon.
Every now and then, when I am stuck on the #2 train having to listen to loud and obnoxious Dominican teenagers screaming about sexual positions, my mind tends to drift to simpler times and quieter memories.
And other times I just have nonsense going through my head:
1) Do the people who work in adult bookstores judge people who shop there? Like really, who the $#% are they to judge anyone? They WORK at an adult bookstore.
2) Most people who grew up in NYC really need to get out of here ASAP. Having such a skewed perspective on life can make it easy for a person to lose sight of common sense and patience.
3) I am slowly coming to realize that the average person in America truly is a complete moron outside of whatever field they have narrowly encased themselves. People have zero knowledge of anything that isn't centered around foolishness. It's scary.
4) An addendum to #3, I saw "Buzz" Aldrin on the street near 13th and Broadway in Manhattan. For those who don't know, Aldrin was the SECOND HUMAN BEING to walk on the moon. EVER. For those who don't know... that is a MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY REGARDLESS OF RACE, CLASS, GENDER, CREED, ORIENTATION. ETC.
I was so shocked and excited to meet him that I was walking around on a cloud of happiness, which in NYC, immediately gets tainted with pollution. I went into a local store and said to the girl at the register, "Hey, you know, Buzz Aldrin is right outside!"
She looked at me like I just said, "I had sexual relations with a red donkey riding on the back of Barbara Streisand."
The girl said ,"who?"
"Buzz Aldrin"
Blank stare.
"The astronaut," I said.
Blank stare.
"The second person to ever walk on the moon," I said.
"Oh," she replied, "He was an astronaut?"
Several things happened in that situation: a) the girl was a motherf%#ing moron, b) the space program just doesn't matter anymore, c) history teachers suck ass these days (hey, I am a history teacher, I know how these people think), d) I get too excited about things that actually matter.
5) I am thinking I need to move to some state or country where the average citizen reads books and newspapers, knows what is happening in the world, votes regularly, and can name at least 5 American presidents. I can't beat the morons, but I absolutely refuse to join them.
If you don't understand why I titled this entry the way that I did, please watch this 7-min clip and you will understand just about everything worth knowing in this world:
God Bless You Carlin. Heaven needs a real ass kicker these days.
You know I was watching Ferris Bueller the other day and I noticed a lot of weird $h!t in that film. At the age of 34, I am realizing that even though there is a lot of cool stuff from the 1980s that I adore, a lot of it was ridiculous.
For example, in the world of John Hughes movies, black people travel around the city in packs waiting to hear music blaring from a loudspeaker so they can do a syncopated dance number that they have practiced for months.
If you don't believe me, check out the video above and wait til about 0:57 seconds in. I don't even know if that is racist or not because on one hand, that group of black folks look like they are having a blast; but on the other hand, don't these people have jobs or families to go to?
Or maybe they are all one big family like the Osmonds or the Kardashians and they make money walking around as one big urban dance troupe.
This is the first episode of the new podcast called WRITING FOR ROOKIES.
Here, I will give advice, opinions, news, and helpful links for those who wish to break into the world of fiction writing. This podcast will be mostly about breaking into the science-fiction genre and the comic book industry.
However, anyone who seeks clear and uncomplicated advice on how to jumpstart a writing career will need to listen to this show on a regular basis.
I can not promise to have all the answers, just the right ones for you to get started from scratch.
I haven't posted anything in a long time because I really had nothing to say.
People who know me know how I feel on most topics, and those who don't might not care. So why do it? ahahaahah
Generally, there are two things I am most concerned about right now:
1) The destruction of the U.S. Constitution by the Bush Administration.
2) The horrible state of the U.S. educational system. To say its a mess would be an understatement.
I will get into a much deeper explanation of that stuff another time. Right now, I just hope for the best. I have changed a lot in the last year, moving forward into your 30s is such an important time for a person for the simple fact you begin to reconcile certain things in a more healthy way.
For example, these are lessons you learn when you pass 32 years of age:
1) Family sucks. Sometimes, you have to forgive them. Sometimes. 2) Anger gets nothing done. Except when a person really needs to be put in their place for their own good. 3) Your 20's were basically a waste of time. 10 years spent rejecting wisdom that you realize you should have taken seriously by the time you're 30. 4) Don't settle for a relationship just so you're not alone. That's when you let people in your life you normally wouldn't. 5) Be yourself, that way, the people who don't like you won't like you. Don't waste all your time pretending to be cool so a bunch of fake people can pretend they like you. In the long term, honest tension is better than fake peace. 6) About 70% of the people you meet will assume the worst of you unless you're a white male. 7) The Boston Red Sox are the new Evil Empire in baseball.
Accepting those simple truths helped me understand a lot of things. It also helped me to deal with people on a much simpler level. When I accepted that I am not the type who will get along with everyone, then I was able to find a center within myself. I spent many years wondering why I didn't "click" with most people I met, and I often thought negatively upon myself.
Was I not charming enough? Not "cool" enough? Not interesting enough? Not attractive enough? I asked myself that 1 billion times over the years. Each time I found another negative chamber in my heart and figured that caused folks to back off or be dismissive.
I got a newsflash recently that is a cliche, but an important life lesson at the same time: Not everyone is meant to be your friend.
So now I go into each new situation with an open heart and a critical mind. I don't seek to create new enemies; I simply wish to encourage honest and truly diverse people to enter my life.
